Inside out

2016

«Would you rather love the more, and suffer the more; or love the less, and suffer the less? That is, I think, finally, the only real question. » (Julian Barnes, The only story)

It feels like a really cold night. There’s not much sight, not much clarity, just can see you and me. Sitting on a lost bench at a train station where no train has been leaving in a long time. It’s one of those moments where you can feel every breath going straight to the bottom of your heart so that you’re actually afraid of breathing in to heavily, afraid that you’re gonna explode because of the load of emotions you’re experiencing just in that one second. So you just sit there, quietly, carefully and somehow peacefully. Peaceful with the brokenness of the world because right there in this moment, just for a few breaths, it seems as if you could control it ; in this moments where it lies all right in front of you, so unnatural, so plastic. You still don’t know, oh no you never figured it out whether you hate or love these moments. Suddenly, a new thought rises in your head. What if this whole thing’s just beyond hate or love? Beyond good or bad ? Beyond any system of value and rating and categorizing? What if thats exactly where the real problem lies? That we’re fucking absolutely lost without all the systems, lost in translation, lost due to the pointlessnes of our own thoughts. What are they anyways, what do they mean in the end? What is the end?

Still you’re there, not knowing what to do with these moments where everything feels more pure, more real than ever, where everything is more frightening than the rest but still so overwhelmingly beautiful. You see everything, feel everything and nothing at once because its too much to get a hold of. But you feel. And that’s all that matters in that moment, thats why you’re beyond good and bad, because thats not the point at all. The point is that simple, It’s just this, that you feel. To feel the absurdeness of your existence in this world and at the same moment, never having felt more important, you know that you matter, it matters. And nothing else ever mattered but this one fucking moment. Connected to all them other moments cut lose of gravity – it all fits together for one moment and everything else doesn’t matter anymore, never mattered, scary thought because within a few hours, you’ll get back to the meaningless absurdity of life and you’ll feel save and comforted again. You know them sights, you had them ever since and you keep the truth captured in your heart, it’s enough that you know that you’ve seen it – i mean it’s gotta be enough because its all you’re gonna get in the end because all beauty is vain. But there’s one different thing this time. You’re not alone on this bench right now. You see this purity of life, feel it with all force together and oh my god it never felt more real. You never felt more real than in this absurd moment of unrealness.

Maybe that’s why love’s so much more than love or hate, good or bad, happy or sad. And why its so pointless that we’re still trying to categorize it, categorize everything that happens because without it, we just cant handle shit. Carried you out, the moment passed and its magic flew away. So did ours at moments... but we were always able to find back to it because we captured it deep within the understanding of our love. You inspired me, we inspired me. Inside out. Can I touch your face angel? Inside out, we went to the dark side together. Mythos des Sysiphos. We had the courage and we saw that in the end, there was no darkness. It was a book filled with empty pages ready for us to write down our own history, to invent an u s, to create something special, to capture something, to give eachother the most, to make the most meaningful in a world without any meaning and you really got me to believe in it. Take my hand and turn me around. I wanna give you everything so that I please can take it away from you. Because that’s how it goes. Take me far away far away from here, spin me around - here? Because there’s nothing here nor there. Thats why I will follow you wherever you will go. Is it time already? Gotta let you fly. And i know you’re only gonna fly if I break your wings first. You’re only gonna swim after I've tried to drown you. You’re only gonna learn to speak after I’ve cut your tung, gonna make your first steps after I broke your legs. Because someone has to. So its gonna be me then because I do know that you will fly so high, swim so deep in the water, run so fast, run run run...

Ich bin immer da, wir mussten nichts beweisen. In der tiefsten Abgründigkeit mich dir nahe gefühlt, nein, nicht nahe sondern eins, vereint in der Nichtigkeit der Welt. Und die Kunst war es, dich da raus zu tragen, in mir zu tragen, mit mir zu ziehen und diesen Moment der Wahrheit in unserer Liebe zu konservieren. Wir fahren in den Süden und sehen das Meer. Wir sind wir und du bist ich, ich bin du und ich bin nichts, du bist nichts und alles für mich, weil alles nichts ist. Gabst mir dein alles und ich machte es nichts.